The couple in the coupling
We really aren’t much into meeting inexperienced couples. The main reason being that it is like meeting a virgin for sex: a lot of pick-and-shovel and, usually, no gold. Also, we avoid very young couples. There are a couple of reasons for this but the main ones are that we believe some maturity is needed for a couple to reach the stage of sharing intimacy with other people and, sexually, the guy comes in less than a minute and the girl just does her best to pretend she is really up for it. It comes with age... Martim always was of the opinion that a woman starts to be a woman in her 30s... before that, she is just a girl. Guys are usually enthusiastic and full of energy but, with a woman like Steff, they stand no chance. As with every rule and generalisation, there are exceptions.
Perhaps the question that virgin couples ask us the most is: should we start with a more inexperienced couple or with experienced people like yourselves? The ones that don't ask wrongly assume they should go for the first. It really depends a lot on the specific couple. However, we would always recommend experienced people. Why? Chances are it will go better. Things like jealousy, insecurity, not knowing how to make the first step and the general dynamics of a first foursome are better handled when one of the couples involved has a bit more experience. We can't say the number of times we've seen things going sideways with young inexperienced couples meeting each other, with all kinds of side effects.
Back in our clubbing days, when people still cared about integrating new couples as well as they could and the clubs had a more personalised way of welcoming new members, we were one of the couples that got introduced to new people on a frequent basis. That mostly was due to the fact that we are really quite social and, on the contrary of other experienced couples’ guys, Martim doesn’t behave in a way that makes the girl feel like a piece of meat in a 70s butcher shop, being groped all over just to see if she is tender enough. He likes ladies and treats them like it, until the very moment they drop their pants. If they aren’t wearing them, all is fair game! On the other hand, Steff is a very pretty and always smiling girl, her innocent look hiding the volcano underneath.
From the newcomer couple’s perspective, the lifestyle has a lot to live up to. The promise is huge: fun, friendship and a lot of sex. People have different expectations and, usually, not a lot of real information. We’ve read a few books about the lifestyle and couldn’t stop laughing. They are, at best, very fantasised accounts of someone’s wildest dreams. We actually know a couple that got very little involvement in the lifestyle, always on the soft side of things, and wrote a book about it, mostly based on someone else’s experiences. They even got an interview on the radio and we laughed our asses off hearing them speak like they got an academic degree on the subject...
The fact remains that there are a lot of decisions to make: soft swap, full swap or something totally different? Get involved with single people or just couples? And a thousand more. We can’t stress this enough: all is well if the two are up for it. Dialog is key. Talk, talk, talk and fuck a lot. If you can do both at the same time, great! That is couple’s communication at its best. Our advice... always have a plan B. You won’t be prepared for everything as there is a lot of strange and straight up weird people around. You will be facing some unexpected situations. And always be wary of the fox... you know, like in the old tale... in the lifestyle as in life, in general.
A note about soft swap... we were never into it... we are the type of people that don't feel comfortable with decaffeinated coffee, beer without alcohol, electronic cigarettes, virtual sex and the like. The even have a funny story about it. A few years ago, we were at a dinner with people in the lifestyle and we knew most of the couples. Not all, however. At one point, the conversation went into soft swap. As always, Martim expressed his opinion, loud and clearly: "for me, soft swap is like, you know, let's imagine I love cheesecake... I go into a pastry shop, ask for a slice of cheesecake, smell it, lick it and return it... it doesn't make sense, does it?". The seating directly in front of us was into soft swap. And they really believed in their ways. So, they went on to give us a sermon on the benefits of it. More or less like vegans explaining to you their point of view. The years went on and we are, now, very good friends. Let's just say that gangbangs and really committed orgies is the minimum you can expect when meeting them.
If you are in a strong relationship, you should always consider that the couple is a unit. It is good if both enjoy it. On the other hand, other people are involved too. So, always be respectful of their way of seeing things but keep your eyes on the ball. Especially in the beginning, it is very important to not wave on your objectives just because other people seem to be on a different wave length or it seems to be not that popular. What really matters is what you want. In time, you will soften your resolve and get involved in situations that might be quite problematic in the beginning but negligible when you are more experienced. Following on a few questions that we usually get from newcomer couples, we will elaborate on a few points. Further ones will be addressed in future posts.
Addressing the basic... you are a couple but men and women are different. The lifestyle just shows that even more clearly as some inhibitions are lost along the way. Men are hunters. The key words would be “another”, “new” and, of course, “pussy”. From ancient times, men collect trophies, in the lifestyle, like in life, in general, collecting pussies is the main objective of the typical male. If just they could hang them on the bedroom wall! Women, on the other hand, are moved by curiosity and sensations. They have no interest in collecting cocks, unless it’s all at the same time! And men understand so little about women, even the ones they are married to (some would say especially those)! Typical symptom: after a few incursions into the lifestyle, he is feeling more and more enthusiastic but the wife is really losing interest...
Most guys’ dreams follow along the lines of a threesome with two women. So, one of the main obsessions is, usually, to get his wife together with another woman. While some women are naturally curious and, at times, naturally inclined to experiment with other women, this might not be the case with a number of them. Of course, in the lifestyle, all women are bisexual, right? Steff, for one, had no interest in other women and even had some trouble kissing them. Just look at her now! You wouldn’t believe it’s the same girl! Well, she was lucky enough to get a girl that literally knocked her out of her sock and made her come like crazy on one of our early foursomes (me and the husband were just amazed at the show, one of the best I’ve seen till now and it has been almost a decade). Don’t force it! The lifestyle already has enough pressure on this trend, as it is. Just remember she married you, a guy, for a reason. Sometimes it’s like asking a lion to go vegetarian...
Outside the lifestyle, the differences between guys and girls are entailed in a lot of clichés and social behaviours. When working at a multinational company, a few years back, Martim had a colleague that was a true stallion (or so he wished to be known). He was very comfortable with telling everyone about his adventures with the ladies, even though he was married and with children. At one occasion, while going for a coffee, Martim overheard his conversation with another colleague, telling him that “last night with the Brazilian girl was a blast!”. He was, no doubt, describing things in detail, to a point the other guy asked him if he didn’t do that with his wife. “Are you fucking kidding me?”, he went, “my wife is very traditional and, besides, she kisses my kids”. Martim was finding the conversation hard to believe but things went on and, further into the subject, the guy stated that “I don’t believe my wife ever dreamed of being with two guys!”. Now, Martim really couldn’t hold his peace anymore and explained to him a fact of nature: “So, you have one penis and you dream about being with two girls... your wife, with the whole arsenal women have, doesn’t dream about being with two guys... what is it? lack of imagination?”...
Guys are definitely not prepared for what they will get if they let their wives run free, so to speak. Even if they think they are. Women have a way of dealing with men that was imposed on them by society. They usually think that men will think if they think they will think... got it? In chess terms, they can see a few moves ahead of men. In the lifestyle, that translates to the fact that women need to feel safe to be able to let go. They need to trust their partner won’t criticise or repudiate them if they do something. And that is a point where a lot of men fail. They are just unable to convey that trust to their partner.
In many cases, men are the fire starters. We remember a night we were at a club and, as usual, the female part of the couple owning it came to us to introduce a newcomer couple. They were young and, as usual in the lifestyle, the girl seemed to be physically way more interesting than the guy. As the conversation flowed, the guy was always turning his head looking at the couples passing by and getting very excited with some sexy interactions of the people around. The girl, on the other hand, looked quite shy and often would let go a “oh, my God!”, when in sight of a chickier attitude. Martim was amused at the girl’s religiosity and often exchanged accomplice looks with Steff.
At a point, a girl friend of ours, Alice, came by and kissed Steff quite passionately. She was a regular and we had met in quite peculiar circumstances. We were playing with another couple, in a more or less open area of the club, and, as the other girl came, Martim looked to the side and saw this beautiful ass in the air, as Alice sucked on a guy’s cock. Martim is rather spontaneous and, in this specific instance, turned to Alice and, pointing to her ass, asked “May I?”. She looked back at him, smiling at his boldness and replied “Sure!”. That was the beginning of a beautiful friendship that lasted until two years ago, when Alice remarried and moved to Austria. Anyway, at the point Steff and Alice were kissing, the girl from the newcomer couple was shying away and repeating “Oh, my God! Oh, my God”. The guy, on the other hand, was more than enthusiastic about it.
As soon as we got into the room, things got a bit surreal. The girl completely undressed, which is less than common, especially with inexperienced girls, and pushed Martim on his back on the bed, sucking him like crazy and, after, riding him like there was no tomorrow. The husband was just petrified. He barely touched Steff as he was just gazing at his wife. Martim felt a bit awkward and tried to get them together and step aside a bit. The girl was less than happy with it and was pushing her husband as she told him to “go to her, go fuck her!”. But he was not really capable of going any further. The girl came loudly and Martim started signaling Steff to go out of the room and leave them on their own. So we did and that was the last we saw of them.
That wasn’t, far from it, the only awkward situation we had with newcomers. There will be more on this on future posts. In the words of Baz Luhrmann, “advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.”... but trust me on the sunscreen...
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